Friday, June 30, 2006

Tell 'Em the One About the Midget and the Tuna....

From June 2004

My life is wonderful. I love it. But when I go to work, often it is not that exciting. I get a lot of 911 hang ups that lead to nothing but the annoying, "I didn't call 911." replies. I really do always like to say, "Well ma'am, 911 doesn't do random house calls." And my officers work in a small sleepy town, nestled between gang land to the South, and the other city I work in "B", a wacky Twilight Zone city to the North. Chris' job however, is exciting and fast paced. He has the best stories ever. Some are sad, some are scary but some are so funny, I cry with laughter. What is really funny, (and occasionally frustrating), though is that he will regale me with these amazing, colorful tales but then when I prompt him to retell them later, it goes one of 3 ways. Every time.

#1 Me: Chris, tell them about the traffic stop with the midget.
Chris: Which one is that?
Me:You know, the one with the midget, the Hungarian waiter and......
Chris:(Blank stare) I have no idea what you are talking about.
Me: How could you forget??? The guy was holding a tuna!
Chris:Hmmm....Sorry that just doesn't ring any bells.
Me: ARRGGGHHH!!!!

#2 Me: Chris tell them the one about the midget.
Chris: Which one was that?
Me:You know the one with the Hungarian waiter and the tuna?
Chris:Oh, yeah, I stopped this Hungarian waiter and he had a big tuna.
Me: And.....(exasperated) Tell them the whole thing, you know, the midget...
Chris: Oh yeah, and when I stopped him, there was this midget in the car with him.
Me: What??!! That isn't even remotely the exciting, hilarious story you told me!
Chris: Oh, I guess I don't remember it then.

#3 Me: Tell them the one about the midget, the Hungarian waiter and the giant tuna.
Chris: I don't remember that one.
Me:Fine I will tell it. (So I launch into this wild tale, full of humor and excitement. Spellbinding the listener. Then I finish. Big. And always true to how I remember the story.)
Chris:No, that's not how it went at all. Where did you get the idea there was a possum? There was no possum. (Me, looking like a total jackass.)
Me: you said you didnt' remember!
Chris: I don't, but there definitely wasn't a possum involved.
Me:AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!

Oh well, after 9 years of marriage, (this July 4th) I am kind of getting used to it!

SORRY TO SHOUT

6/17/04

I copied this over from a different screen and it came out in all caps, and I am very sorry, but I am far too lazy to rewrite the darn thing...

SO AN OFFICER I KNOW, WE WILL CALL HIM, "D" TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT, WAS SCANNING AND HEARD A PURSUIT IN A NEARBY CITY, SO OF COURSE HE DECIDES TO JOIN THE FUN. HE FINDS ALL OF THE PATROL CARS ABANDONED, DUE TO A FOOT PURSUIT AND HE GETS OUT TO LOOK AROUND. SO HE NOTICES THIS ONE PATROL CAR THAT LOOKED WEIRD TO HIM BECAUSE THE WINDOWS WERE SO DARKLY TINTED. SO "D" LEANS OVER AND TRIES TO PEER INTO THE BACK WINDOW TO SEE INSIDE. SUDDENLY A K-9 COMES RUNNING AT HIM GROWLING, SO "D" YELPS AND JUMPS INTO THE BACK SEAT...OF A PATROL CAR, THUS LOCKING HIMSELF IN. SO UP COMES THE K9 HANDLER, AND HE IS WONDERING WHY HIS DOG IS BARKING AND CLAWING AT THE BACK SEAT. SO THE HANDLER OPENS THE BACK DOOR, NOT EXPECTING A PERSON, AND SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL, WHEN HE SEES "D". "WTF?!?"HE SAYS, BECAUSE IT DOES NOT COMPUTE THAT THERE IS A UNIFORMED POLICE OFFICER HANGING OUT IN THE BACKSEAT OF HIS PATROL CAR. ESPECIALLY ONE WHO IS LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY BCUZ HE IS SO EMBARRASSED. SOOOOO.... AFTER THE PD GUY SAYS, "BOY YOU F--IN' STATE COPS ARE STUPID!" AND THEY HAVE A GOOD LAUGH, "D" AND THE HANDLER RE-JOIN THE FOOT PURSUIT AND EVENTUALLY CAUGHT THE GUY....THE END

You Might Be a Cop's Wife If....

From 12/12/04

Except for a select few who are married to cops, this may not be all that funny, but what the heck here goes anyway, I hope you enjoy.

You Might Be a Cop's Wife If:

*You talk more in code than English sometimes. "10-4, hon."
*Your husband seems to hang up his brain with his badge/gun at the end of the day.
*DH shouts at the TV "That's not proper police procedure!" Every time you watch NYPD Blue . *You have ammo in you bedside table instead of, well whatever normal people put in there. *Your husband bought you a bullet proof vest for your birthday, "just in case"
*You have more paper targets up than wall paper.
*Your bathroom material and the secret stash of mags under the bed are both "Guns and Ammo"
*At work your husband can remember a suspect's name, DOB, drivers license number and AKAs but at home he can't remember to take out the trash on Mondays.
*Your husband asks to see the ID of everyone who comes to the door including the mail man. *You have ever been at a mall/grocery store/video store/restaurant/children's birthday party and suddenly had to leave because your husband saw someone he arrested.
*DH drives like he is in Nascar when in his own personal vehicle, forgetting he is not in a patrol car.
*When you go out to dinner, your husband, points out which waiter, customer or cook is on meth, vicodin etc.
*Your husband can't figure out why everyone isn't getting out of his way, in traffic, like they do when he is at work.
And finally:
*That is a gun in his pocket, even if he is happy to see you. (These were all based on fact, let me know if you think of any others. Chris is gonna kill me when he reads this one!)

The Lost Art of "Holding It"

From October 30th, 2004

Sometimes at my job, I have to "hold it" for hours, until someone relieves me (so I can relieve myself--HA!) It has gotten to the point, that I find myself accidentally "holding it" at home, at leisure, when visiting friends. It's really kind of sad. I remember a time when peeing was a right, not a privilege. Do you think it would be inappropriate if I began wearing Depends to work? Just to make my officers feel guilty and uncomfortable--when they come into the dispatch room to get their paperwork, I could stop mid-sentence, get a kind of glazed look in my eyes, while staring off into the distance, then say, "Ahhhhhh, I feel much better now. I'm sorry. What was I saying?" Hmm..Maybe not. And now, some "cop jokes"

Q: How many police officers does it take to push a suspect down a flight of stairs?
A: None. He fell.

LAPD OFFICER: "We arrested this man beating the living daylights out of some poor slob for no reason at all! What should we charge him with?"
DESK SERGEANT: "Impersonating an Officer."

What did the peanut say when it entered the police station?
I've been a-salted!

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?" The trooper responded, "Troopers don't have balls, ma'am." After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.

A cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window."I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!""No," she shouts back, "It's a pair of socks!"

All right, I'll stop the torture. BTW. While I was writing this, I choked on a Milky Way. Who am I supposed to call when I need help? If I called 911--I would have just got myself! Makes you think doesn't it? 'Night!

I Just Called to Ask--What's the Number for 911?

From October 27, 2004

My friend "B" a fellow dispatcher, wrote a post on her Blog about some of the funnier 911 calls she had received. And it inspired me to "jot" down a few of my own. The following calls are real calls I have taken.

Me: 911 what's your emergency?
Caller: I'm at McDonalds and they charged me for water!!!!
Me: Sir, this is not an emergency.
Caller: Yes it it! It's water! Send a police officer to tell them they can't do that!

Me: 911 what's your emergency?
Caller: Send someone quick, there is a raccoon in my backyard!
Me: Are you aware you've dialed the police emergency line?
Caller: This is an emergency!!!!!
Me: OK, tell me why.
Caller: Because it's day time!
Me: And?
Caller: raccoon's only come at night, please hurry!

Me: 911 what's your emergency?
Caller: I just bought cocaine from this one guy and when I tried it, it turns out it's baby powder. I want this guy arrested.
Me: So you are admitting to me, on a recorded line that you attempted to buy drugs?
Caller: Yeah.
Me: Sir, think about this, do you really want the police officer to know what you were trying to do?
Caller: Oh, yeah....hee hee hee...nevermind (click)

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: My toilet is making weird gurgling noises.
Me: Ma'am, what is the emergency?
Caller: You should hear this--(holds phone up to toilet which is indeed making sounds.) What should I do?
Me: Please call a plumber.

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: You know that little girl who is missing?
Me: Yes, do you have information on her whereabouts?
Caller: I think I saw her playing little orphan Annie in a play I saw tonight.

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: I didn't dial 911.
Me: Yes you did, do you have an emergency?
Caller: No I didn't call.
Me: Sir, we don't make random house checks, are you ok?
Caller: (Sulking) Yeah. (Under his breath)...but I didn't call 911.

Me: 911 emergency Caller: Yeah, um I ate a lollipop, it wasn't wrapped and it was covered in fuzz and now I don't feel too good.
Me: Let me transfer you to medics.

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: Hi, I'd like to ask about my phone bill.
Me: You need to hang up and dial 411, this is 911 for emergencies.
Caller: Oooohh. Ok....Well can you help me when my bill anyway?

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: I left the iron on at my house, can you please send a police officer out to shut it off?
Me: No.

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: My chihuahua is missing out of the garage, all that is left is his sweater!
Me: Please call back on the business line. (But what I wanted to say)
Me: Sir, your chihuahua ran away from home, because you make him wear stupid outfits and he is sick of the other dogs making fun of him.

Me: 911 emergency
Caller: Yeah, I paid this escort to come over and, you know, but she took all of my money. Also, she was supposed to look like a little school girl but she didn't.
Me: I'll send an officer over and you can explain it. Don't forget to tell him about why she was there, in the first place, Ok?
Caller: Oh, Ok.

Me: 911 emergency. Caller:I don't feel safe, can I come where you are?
Me: Do you need me to send you an Officer?
Caller: No but if I could just lay down on the floor, near where you are, like with a sleeping bag or something,I'd feel a lot better, Ok?
Me: I'm sorry, it doesn't work like that.

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: There is a deer in my yard.
Me: What is the emergency? Is the deer injured?
Caller: No, he looks very peaceful, I just don't want him here.

Me: 911 emergency.. Caller: Some one's been in my house while I was gone!
Me: So there was a burglar in your house?
Caller: No, someone just shaved and left whiskers all in the sink.
Me: Oh...

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: Send someone quick, there is a police officer driving in front of me and I think he's drunk Me: Why do you think that?
Caller: He is swerving from one lane to the next and then back again, he's definitely drunk.
Me: Ma'am that's called a traffic break, he is trying to stop traffic. (silence)
Caller: Oh. That explains a lot....

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: Come quick, its road rage!
Me: (after getting all important info) what did the person confronting you look like?
Caller: Female, white, like 4 feet tall.
Me: So my officer knows which person is you, give me a brief description of yourself.
Caller: I am male, 6'5 250.
Me:........Ok, then, we're on the way.
Caller: Ok, but hurry she's really mad.

Me: 911 emergency
Caller: Your police radios are beaming lasers right into my brain and I'd like you to cut it out! Me: Hmmm...Ok let me send you an officer.
Caller: No thanks just tell them to stop it so I can get some sleep. Good night.
Me: Good night...

Me: 911 emergency
Caller: Someone stole my baptismal!
Me: Is that something that can be stolen?
Caller: Yes! My inner child wants it back!

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: (Elderly female) Hello dear, I fell down, I'm not hurt but I need you to send me an officer to help me up.
Me: Ok, I'm sending you help.
Caller: Go ahead and send me two big handsome fellas!
Me: I'll see what I can do...

Did I mention, I love my job?

The following is NOT my 911 call, but it is the funniest one I have ever heard of. My friend Ed took this one.

Ed: 911 state your emergency
Elderly female caller: My neigbors are way to loud, yelling and screaming, carrying on so.
Ed: Ok, is it an altercation or...
Elderly lady: Oh, no they are having sex, and honey NO ONE is that good.
Ed: (Laughing really hard) No, I guess not.....

The Name You Choose For Your Child, Could Lead Them to a Life of Crime

From September 9th 2004:

Trust me on this, as a police dispatcher, I know what I am talking about. If you name you child something they feel they can't live up to, they will probably turn to a life of crime. Some examples are:

Bartholomew Hoover Smith
Christopher Columbus Jones
Albert Einstein Sanchez
Alexander Jean Pierre Petrok the Third
Freedom Justice Jackson
Shawshank Chattergee (I just got this one tonight)

If you name your child after something organic, edible, plants or minerals, you are pushing your luck. If you name your child something silly, they will probably turn to a life of crime. Some examples are:

Gaylord Frumpknickle
Jade Butterfly
Marsha Mello
Princess Diana Toothfairy( Some names have been modified a bit to protect the innocent but this one is totally real)
Phillip D. Mugg

Here are some examples of really bad parenting, I have witnessed personally:

Today a man called to report that his 17 yr old son was out of control. When I asked his date of birth, he said, "I dunno, sometime in November I think." If you don't know your child's DOB, I can pretty much guarantee they will turn to a life of crime.

I called a mom to say her 13 yr old daughter was arrested, "Oh geez, how much is this going to cost me?" Nice.

A woman called 911 because her six year old was, "out of control" she asked if the police could come out and "put the handcuffs on, just to scare him." Ma'am you cannot use your local police department to discipline your child, that's your job. I got this type of call weekly when I worked for (large metro area) Police Dept.

A mother of 7 called and asked if we could come get 2 of her children, because she "just can't afford that many." Enough said.

"My 14 year old, won't obey me I want him arrested." Well if you had started cracking down before the teenage years, maybe this would have been avoided. Maybe my job makes me cynical, I don't know. I like to think I'll learn from others mistakes. My friend Erika, a 911 dispatcher with me, tells children who call 911 for fun, "I am going to have the police come get you and take you to little kid jail, the bars are closer together and the handcuffs are smaller, but don't think I won't do it!" I used to love sitting next to her. Till later, goodnight

Thursday, June 29, 2006

New Blog


This is my first post, but I have a different blog, that had these stories mixed in with my rantings of infertility. (Waiting for the pot to boil.) Soooo, I will dig through that blog and bring those stories over and start posting some new ones. Oh the fodder never runs out, believe me!

And now, before all the silly stuff, my worst call ever:

I have gotten small children calling 911 because, "Daddy is hitting Mommy," I have spoken with a victim after she was raped, I spoke with a female as she watched her friend die, and with a mother whose 4 year old found his Dad hanging in the alley behind their house. One amazing call was a woman who was hiding in the bathroom while her would be attacker tried to get into the bathroom where she was hiding. I can honestly say the funny and mundane calls far outweigh the bad and the horrific, but sometimes... Believe it or not, I really didn't take any of the above calls home with me. I can do my job because when I log off the computer and put away my headset, I also "put away" any ugliness that I heard that day. I used to lay on the floor and roll around with my 4 dogs for therapy, as needed, now even the thought of my son can clear away any lingering moodiness. Every dispatcher has at least one call that sticks with them and they carry it along with them at work, always. It makes them a better dispatcher, if it isn't so bad that you quit. It also makes you stronger and harder. You would think you could predict the kind of call that would cut to the bone, but you can't. It depends on what is most personal to you and what is going on in your life at that time. When I was pregnant, I took a call of a "baby hit by a car" I spoke with the lady who hit the child accidentally when he ran into traffic. First thought I had, was how can a baby run into traffic? (He was a 2 year old in diapers), next thoughts were, me just feeling horrible for the driver. I hit a child with my car when I was 19, (also not my fault), but talking with that woman brought up how horrible that experince was. Doesn't matter if you are at fault or not, there is still a memory of your vehicle hitting someone so small that you have to live with always. That call, I pray, will make me a more vigillant mom when it comes to holding onto my son's hand when I am in a parking lot or out on the street. I used to think those toddler harnesses are cruel but after this call, I wonder if they make them for kids as old as ten...[Side note: though badly injured and still recovering over a year later, that little guy pulled through.] I digress, the call that stays with me was 30 seconds long at most, but it was not the call, it was what happened after the call that I can't let go of. It is really hard to explain, and it may sound like, no worse than any other horrible call, but it just hurt. Most of the stories I have told and will tell are funny, or ridiculous but I'd like to share with you the call that I carry with me. I was working at the larger agency as a 911 call taker that day. Some days we took business calls and rollover 911s other days just 911. The radio room where the dispatchers talked to the officers was in the next room. If a 911 call came in the calltaker typed in the address and information, hit enter, it went to the correct radio dispatcher and often, no matter how bad, was forgotten about by the call taker. There were just too many calls coming in to remember every single one of them. Many times I would write down the event number on a piece of paper, swearing to follow up and see what happened, only to completely forget about it by the end of the day. So, this lady calls in and says she is concerned about her elderly friend Pierre. Pierre had just called her and said he was upset about his wife dying and he was going to shoot himself. He asked her please not to call 911 for a half an hour, but the lady didn't want to wait. She called 911 immediately. Oh my gosh, I thought, we can save this one! I typed so fast and shot that information over to the radio room. I checked the status of the officers. Several were 10-8 (available) a few on traffic stops and one on a parking complaint. And nobody was dispatched. I kept checking, thinking, come on, come on hurry up, clear someone already! 5-10 minute later it was time for my lunch break and still no one had been dispatched. I went over and visited with my friend and former trainer, Chuck who was also on the phone side and I told him how angry I was no one had been dispatched to this particular call yet. Chuck always "gets it."
So I went on my lunch break and couldn't stop thinking about that call. That is not like me, I should have known right then to harden myself, but that is not something I had learned yet. I came back from lunch, sat down and brought up the call. Units dispatched, and 97 (arrived) good, good. Perimeter set? Why? They are wasting precious time! (Since becoming a radio dispatcher, I get that part now--the subject had a gun, and suicide by cop is becoming more and more of a problem), but at the time, it was just one more thing delaying us helping the gentleman. So I scrolled down, page after page of boring details, and I am quietly chanting, "Please God, please God, please God, please." Finally I got ready to bring up the disposition, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and opened my eyes. Hit the button to bring up the answer I had been waiting for and read:

GUNSHOT WOUND TO THE FACE, VICTIM STILL GURGLING

And I completely lost it. I clicked a button on my screen so I wouldn't get any incoming 911 calls and I just sobbed. I stood up and I walked to the window out in the hallway that looked out at the city. A supervisor came up and asked me if I was OK, but she said it like she only asked because she had to. She was phony and she was slick and I was repulsed. All I could say over and over was, "Get me Chuck, please just get me Chuck." And Chuck came, and he didn't try to make me feel better. He said, "I looked at that call while you were out, I saw the disposition, and I said, "someone needs to find Rebecca" because I just knew how upset you would be." Now you can understand why I wanted Chuck. Some people would come by and say, "It's not your fault, there was nothing more you could have done." And I would fill with rage, because they didn't get it. I know it wasn't my fault, I did everything I could. I took the call and I was so fast getting it to the radio room, and it just SAT THERE. I wasn't crying because I was sad or felt I messed up, I was furious because in my naivete I believed we could have saved him, but we were too slow. It took me a long time to realize, people who are set on killing themselves cannot be saved. If they are serious about it, really serious, there are no magic words; they will do it. If they are calling 911, either it is a cry for help; something they have not yet commited to, something they started to do, (wrists or pills) and regret their decision, or it is to let us know where to find their body. That last one sounds harsh but it is absolutely true. I do think this made me a better radio dispatcher. I will never know why officers weren't pulled from other calls, suicide is a priorty E which at that agency it meant officers should have been enroute within 30 seconds but I do know I will always take such calls seriously and handle them with the utmost care. Pierre killed himself because he could not live without his beloved wife of 50 years who had just died of cancer. At that time my Grandpa B had just lost my Grandma B, after 50+ years of marriage and I was already worrying how he was going to hold up. I guess that is why it struck a nerve.
So, now you know my innermost feelings as a 911 dispatcher. I assure you this blog won't always be so dark; this job is just way to funny usually, but you gotta hear both sides, so you too can "get it."