That's All Folks....For Now, Anyway

Hello gentle readers, at least for now, this blog will be going on an extended vacation. I am not abandoning it; I love this blog. I am not going to take it down and I will still comment on yours and see how you all are doing. The reason is, as far as Law Enforcement realted material goes, I am all tapped out. I still work on call, for Wonderful PD, but I have not worked in almost 2 months. One of the officers is on light duty and he has taken over the shifts I would normally work. No work means no LE stories. Technically, I could write life stories, but I have a different blog for that, which I completely neglected for this one. Also, I really want this blog to just be PD related. So, it is with a heavy heart that I sign off. I promise, when I pick up any shifts at WPD I'll write again. Thank you so much for being a part of this blog. Sincerely, Rebecca C.

PS. If you would like to read my other blog, which is life stuff mostly related to being a mom/wife feel free to email me and I'll get you the link.

I AM SPARTACUS ! ! ! ! ! !

An excerpt from a letter sent to my personal email address:

"Rebecca, you wrote on your blog (which seems to be abandoned):"5150 is California Welfare and Institutions Code for the lights are on but nobody is home."How can you call yourself a professional, let alone a Christian, with a snide remark like that? Major depression is a medical illness that affects 15 million Americans adults per year. "


Allow me to answer: I feel I have earned the right to describe "5150" any way I want, being is that, I AM one of the 15 million Americans who has been diagnosed with Major Depression. I fight and win that battle on a daily basis. I choose to laugh rather than cry as my own form of therapy. Do I truly care about the mentally ill? I have personally wiped the bubbling foam from a mentally ill person's trachea tube Sunday after Sunday at church services held specifically for the severely physically and mentally disabled. My father is a (LCSW) psychologist, and I grew up on the grounds of a state institution for the mentally ill that he was in charge of, so I feel I have more experience then many, and certainly a more unique viewpoint than most. Should I go on? I lost my entire memory to a medical illness and was nearly, mistakenly, 5150'd myself, years ago. More? How can I call myself Christian? Being, a Christian means I have been saved by the blood of Jesus Christ who died for my sins and yours. Period. It does not mean I am perfect. As a Christian I would never, purposely cause another person, mental anguish. I feel quite certain, my blog has not truly caused you mental anguish; it is about innocuous as they come. In the interest of fairness, Daniel, I have posted your entire email. It is your side of the story in total and I respect it, but you are barking up the wrong tree, coming after me as not understanding the true nature of mental illness. How can I, tritely say what I say in my blog? Because I stand before you personally WITH MY OWN LIGHTS ON AND NOBODY HOME. Thank you for the email and the material.

"Rebecca, you wrote on your blog (which seems to be abandoned):"5150 is California Welfare and Institutions Code for the lights are on but nobody is home."How can you call yourself a professional, let alone a Christian, with a snide remark like that? Major depression is a medical illness that affects 15 million Americans adults per year. Over 10 million Americans have bipolar disorder. Schizophrenia, another medical illness, affects 2 million American adults. Two to 5% of American adults have panic disorder. The aggregate numbers are alarming.Are all of these Americans "crazy?" "Loons?"Only to the untrained and ignorant.Many, many times I have witnessed California's 5150 (72-hour hold) being abused by peace officers; officers who show little to no compassion for people with bona fide medical illnesses. People are routinely humiliated, demoralized, and traumatized by being handcuffed and treated like a prisoner -- all of which stems from simple, but widespread, ignorance.So the tone, title, and subtitle of your blog does not come as a surprise to me. God forbid that you or a loved one ever have to experience any of the illnesses, whether listed above or not, at some point in their life.And spare me the public safety lecture. I've worked in EMS for years.Hoping you see the light,Daniel"

America's Finest Unsung Heroes

The following entry was written by a dear friend of mine. He works at San Diego Police and this picture was taken from the Communtications building.

"Another trajedy has come and gone.

Communications worked their tails off during this event.

We really are America's finest dispatchers and we proved it this week.

Of course there was a lot of chaos, lots of barking orders, but in the end, we made it seem effortless.

We stayed out of the news, which is a good thing. That shows we were doing our job.

There was one sign that disturbed me. It was outside room #213.

It said "food for officers and volunteers only"!

Some things never change!

Thank You my friends for your excellent work! I feel proud to work at SDPD."

My friend reads this blog, so if you would like to leave a message for him and the SDPD dispatchers, I am sure he'd pass it along. Thanks!

That May Take a While......

We had a caller, that threatened suicide. Means? By hypothermia. Now I'm no expert, but how? Why so specific? Why that? What???? Where I live, and where I work, it doesn't even snow. Last night I think it was like, 55 degrees out. All I could picture is some poor, lonely guy filling up his bathtub with ice, and sitting patiently. Is it just me, or is that odd? Dispatchers, cops and family, I would LOVE to here some funny stories, on such and un-funny topic. Got any?

***Honorable Mention****

The following was in the comments section of this blog, but it deserves to be spotlighted. It waaaaay tops my story for humor and creativity. Way to go Stacy!

I was dispatched to an "Attempt by candy bar" once. I was like "What the???" We get on scene an a trooper walks over to me laughing his butt off and goes "He is a diabetic and he says he will kill himself by eating a candy bar if we don't leave." So I walk in and asked him what was going on and he was like "Come any closer and I'll eat it!!! Don't think I wont!!!!"I was like "Hey you know what? I was just getting ready to eat my lunch when they called us and I am really really hungry. Can I have a small bite of your candy bar?" and he goes "Ooooh sure of course" and handed it to me. I proceeded to hand it to the cop who threw it away haha. The guy was like "Awww I can't believe I fell for that." The cops were all upset that they didn't think of it first and transported the guy to cpep. It was pretty funny.

Keep 'em coming guys! These are great stories.

The Deerly Departed

I have told a deer tail or two, in my time. As I mentioned before, they run a bit rampant in Wonderful City. I have told of a time where I got 7 calls for an injured deer while at the same time one block away I only got one call of a man down on a busy street corner. I recently told the tail of the woman cavorting in the middle of the night with a deer that was, well, cavorting in the middle of the night. But this tail, takes the cake.

A deer was run over, or heck perhaps it died of natural causes, but it ended up at the 2600 block of the major avenue. This all started at 0715hrs. It started slowly at first.

"Hi I'd like to report a dead deer at the 2600 block of Main Ave."

"OK, no problem, I'll call the Humane Society and they will pick it up."

Soon after, "Hello, you need to send someone out fast, there is a dead deer out here and it is right in front of the middle school. The children are going to see it!"

"OK, no problem, the Humane Society has been called."

"Tell them it's an emergency!"

Now in the beginning, I asked, why? Why is it an emergency? By the 10th call, I just said OK.

Our Chief was out patrolling, (Totally cool, right? He was doing traffic stops and everything.)

Then he called in a dead deer. Et tu?

Next I got a hysterical caller that wanted us to change the position of the deer because, "It's legs are sticking straight up and that is just upsetting!" Great, I can only imagine the calls we'd get for re-positioning a dead deer....

Later still, (the Humane Society was very busy and this was considered low priority), a woman called because, "There are men in a white van moving a dead deer! They're MOVING IT!!!" "Yes, ma'am they notified me they just trying to help by moving it out of the flow of traffic." "Can they do that??????" She cried, clearly very upset. "Um, sure, if they want to." I answered. I am still not sure why that was so upsetting to her.

About a dozen more dead deer calls later, (that seemed to be increasing in urgency), an Officer came up on the air with a "Callout for Department of Public Works." Before I even thought about it, I said, "Go, ahead.....Unless you are reporting a dead deer...." The officer called me up a moment later laughing and said, he was going to put a sign on top of the deer that said, "I AM OK, I HAVE GONE TO A BETTER PLACE" The Humane Society must have finally came and picked up the deer shortly after that, because at 2:45 in the afternoon, the dead deer calls finally stopped. Whew, just in time. I can only imagine the frenzied callers, if it had still been out there when school got out! Venison, anyone?

I am So Proud

Here is a picture of my brother Jim. He sent the picture from his cell phone, with the text, "New bike, new ticket." [Wiping away a tear] I'm just so darn pround. [Sniff]

Is it just me, or is the CHP officer a bit... fluffy for an officer?

I'll write more soon...

I only have a moment or two, so I would like to share a couple of quick ones:

Said by my favorite salty officer when clearing a barking dog complaint:

"Me and the dog reached an understanding, and he agreed to my terms. Advised, cooperative. 10-8"

"I'll be out with a couple of independent strawberry entrepreneurs."

Later I dispatched this same officer to a hot call. I was a little rusty due to lack of recent shifts, so I was so proud that I remained calm, relayed the suspects descriptions, and no weapons mentioned, past contacts, etc. When I finally un-keyed the mic to take a huge relieved breath, the officer said,

"That's all great, but where am I going?"

I forgot to tell him where to go! Duh, that's dispatching 101: Location, location, location. Mortifying.

Pop Quiz Hot Shots

First person to tell me why it is a CRIME that gas prices have reached $2.86 wins..... the admiration of their peers.

Hint: $2.61 would have been even funnier

Wadical? Let 'er Rip

I get emails of comments so that if someone comments on something older, I'll still see it. I found this comment on my "24 Beers in a Case, 24 hours in a day...Coincidence, I think not" entry. It was written yesterday at about 7pm. I left the spelling errors, censored the language a bit. Obviously this guy thought he found a different kind of site. I was going to delete it, (I did delete it from the post) then I thought why not have a little fun. Wadical, you are so much better at this kind of thing. Do you mind responding to our wayward visitor from Trenton, New Jersey? (Thank you Statcounter, you are both incredibly creepy and very useful.)


Anonymous said...


cops suck there dirty and there d**ks for no good reason.... because they think there better than the law.....complete bulls**t. i had a cop tell mer personally he saw a coke dealer driving around and he knew he was a dealer and so the cop pulled him over and smashed his tail light with his flashlight so he would have a reason to pull him over. Thats so d**k you cant do that its completely illegal. that code 7 picture..is that really right to have that many police in one place honestly its just a huge waste of $ and resources.

Breastfeeding in Not a Crime

This post will seem totally out of left field, but not to me. Today I have got babies on the brain. (Still no luck on that front BTW.) I have previously mentioned my stance on nursing; I know it is a natural bodily function, but so is urinating, and you won't see me doing that in public, either. Earlier today I was cuddling with Little Man, and he is getting so big! I was thinking back to when he was a newborn and this story popped into my head. This may be one of those "you had to be there" situations, but really, when has that stopped me before?

So we have a Sgt. who is a very good cop, but he is very strict with dispatchers. I was working an 8 hour shift and I asked the Sgt to please come into dispatch.

Me: Sir, I need a 20 minute break.

Sarge: You already had your lunch break, so I'm sorry, you can't have a 20 minute break. I'll get an officer to give you a bathroom break if you want.

Me: Um, I am going to need a little more time than that.

Sarge: Why?

Me: I just need more time.

Sarge: Well, you are not entitled to another break.

Me: Well, technically, that's the point. This kind of break I am entitled to.... [Boy I didn't want to spell this one out, I am so private about such matters.] You know? [I begin pleading with my eyes, chanting in my head "dontmakemesayitdontmakemesayit"]

Sarge: No, I don't know.

Me: Um, sir? You have daughters right?

Sarge: [Not following my train of thought]...Yes

Me: And your wife...did she, well, you know, um.

Sarge: What?

Me: [Practically shouting] Nurse! Nurse ! Did she nurse!

Sarge: [Shouting back]: OH! Oh! [ He turned red, accidentally looks at the boobs in question, gets more flustered and begins talking to the ceiling] Oh, yes Mrs. Sarge did that! That is the most natural thing in the world. You know, it is so natural that---

Me: Yes, yes, [cutting him off because I am absolutely mortified] So...?

Sarge: Oh, no problem, absolutely no problem. I will get an officer in here immediately.

Me: There is no rush, I just needed to warn you so arrangements could be made.

Sarge: Not a problem! Officer S will be in here at 9pm promptly so you can pu----

Me: Thank you! Thank you, sir. Sorry for the hassle. There is no need to tell Officer S why. I'll be as quick as possible.

Then at 8:55pm Officer S walks in. Officer S is one of my favorites. He is a salty dog and he is not a softie by any stretch of the imagination, so right away his gentle demeanor was making me nervous!

Officer S: So, go ahead and take your time. Um, feel free to use the bathroom at the end of the hall, it's bigger. Perhaps, if you like, you can, um, light some candles and maybe play some soft music, or something.

At this point, I thought I was going to die of embarrassment.

Me: No. I'll be back in 20 or less. Thank you.

Officer S: No, problem, it's the most natural thing----

Me: Thank you!

Anyway, after this embarrassing incident, I didn't take any more shifts until I was done nursing. It was a pain all the way around, and although the agency was wonderful as usual, I just felt weird about asking for special time. Told you it was a random entry!

Welcome Gentle Readers, New and Old

I would like to take a moment to thank all of my loyal readers. You guys, are so awesome. I love that there are so many other cops and dispatchers who share similar experiences. I would also like to take a moment to welcome all the new readers from the command staff at Wonderful PD, and some old friends from Huge PD. I really like this blog. I like the feeling of venting and commraderie that I get with other people out there who "get it". I have so many stories to share from the 4 very different PDs I have worked at, my own life stuff, and stories from my husband's job. This blog is my creative outlet. It's mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. And, as it is mine, I reserve the right to exaggerate real life events to make them more enjoyable to the reader. At times I have taken two stories and blended them into one. I have always changed names, times and skewed actual events just enough to protect my privacy both at home and on the job. Be forewarned, comments on my entries are welcomed and encouraged. However, any comments that I feel are inappropriate, or I feel may lead to discocery of my location at home or at any of the jobs I have ever worked, (past and present), will be promptly deleted. Then, my husband will hunt you down. Just kidding! Or am I...That said, allow me to share my latest bonehead moment.

I sent Officer F on what I thought was just a usuall Citizen Contact/Officer Assist. Later from talking to the caller I realized it was a potential officer safety/5150 contact. So I said:

Officer C to cover Officer F due to his unstable nature.....[Long open miked pause as I realized how that sounded]... Clarification the caller is unstable not Officer F....

Geez! And that's what happens when I go a month without working, I get rusty!

A Vicious Circle

The entire police department received the following email, which began like this:

"All Sworn Personnel,

Hostile Work Environment/Sexual Harassment Prevention training and Taser Deployment training will be conducted on Friday..."

That's as far as I went, and I just couldn't stop laughing. Are they combining those classes? Are they going to taze the people who are sexually harassing others? And wouldn't that in effect create a hostile work environment? It's 3 am, I honestly have no idea if that is as funny as I think it is, or if I've gotten loopy. I'll tell you after I attend the class tomorrow morning. Boy I'll be careful what I say though. "Morning, Sarge, you look nice today." TZZZZZZZT. "Ahhhh! I take it back! I take it back!" Oh, man I've got the giggles now.

Let's Be Realistic

I haven't had many shifts recently, hence my lack of posts. I just completed a class on Hostage Negotiations for Dispatchers. It was an awesome class; I really learned some great techniques that I will employ with my next suicidal caller. As for the validity of the class? Well, instead of 8 hours of how to handle a hostage taker or barricaded suspect, it could have been summed up in one brief comment: "Don't get your feelings hurt when the detective/Sgt./LT/Captain or Chief, rips the phone away from you and takes over." Seriously.

I finally work a graveyard shift this Thursday. Those are always ripe with material. I will be updating then. Talk to you soon!

We Can Learn A Lot From Our Elders

An elderly lady called in and said, "I have a noise complaint. The people next door are yelling up a storm. Can you hear them in the background? Here, I'll put the phone out the window." A much given response of, "That won't be necessary---" was halted mid-sentence because for once the noise was so loud, when the RP held the phone up, you could hear what she was complaining about. (99 times out of 100 the rp wants the dispatcher to experience the noise, and 99 time out of 100 I say, "No, no, don't hang the phone out the window, it doesn't matter if I can hear it or not, it is your peace being disturbed not mine." Besides, we usually can't hear the barking dog/party call/neighbors running around in the upstairs apartment, they are calling about.) This time was an exception. In what was almost THX clear audio, was a couple who were obviously in the throes of er, passion. The elderly lady then brought the phone back and said, "I mean honestly, no one is that good." I couldn't help it, without hitting the mute button, I laughed so hard! "I mean, am I right? Or what?" She said, also laughing. It was awesome.

Couldn't Have Happened to a Nicer Officer

Let me begin this post by saying, even the very few officers that regularly treated me like crap at Evil PD, were given my "A" game. Yes, there was a time or two where I was lured into the back and forth"who can give the meanest tone of voice on the radio." If I want to, I can be the queen of the bad attitude. My voice can drip with such scathing tones, your ears will melt off. I digress, that is a post for another time, this is an Evil PD story. There's this officer there, I will call her Officer M. She had about 3 years experience at the time, she is about 5'4" in decent shape and probably about 25 years old. That's all fine, but she walks around with this swagger, thumbs hooked in her duty belt and all, like she's all that and a tub of biscuits. It wasn't that she was really mean to me, it is just she thought she was a complete bad a$$ and treated others as if they were insignificant. So, every year in Evil City there is an Air Show at the local airport. Memos are emailed out for weeks leading up to it and they get posted all over the station, warning officers and dispatchers that there is a part of the show where a stunt helicopter appears to crash, but that it is well rehearsed and just fine. Every year we get about 25 frantic 911 callers, screaming into the phone about a crash at the airport, and every year we calm them down, with the aforementioned explanation. Bottom line, we expect the callers to call and the frantic citizens to flag down officers. What we don't expect is the following to happen:

Officer M: I'll be making an 1186 at---OH MY GAWD! SEND FIRE AND MEDICS CODE 3 TO THE EVIL AIRPORT THERE HAS BEEN A HELICOPTER CRASH!!!!!!

Me: [In an extremely calm, level voice] Negative Officer M, please 1021 radio.

Officer M: I DON'T HAVE TIME TO GIVE YOU A CALL RIGHT NOW!!!! SEND FIRE AND MEDICS NOW!!!! I AM ROLLING CODE 3 TO THE SCENE.

Me: [Genuinely hoping I can help her save face.] Reduce code, and 1021 dispatch immediately.

Officer M: NO ! I AM ALMOST 97. I WILL BE ABLE TO SEE THE CRASH IN JUST A SECOND. OK, I SEE IT!!!!!!! LET FIRE KNOW......oh.... Nevermind.

Me: Yes. Now, please 1021 radio.

And the radio clicks went on for over a minute. She was called Officer Mayday for a really long time. I would like to say that she learned something from the experience or at least that she calmed down a bit but I can't. In fact the reason I wrote this random Evil PD story is that I just heard that Officer Mayday was recently at a Party/Noise complaint call, had her taser out, tripped and fell and tased herself. Amazing.

You've Come A Long Way Baby!!!!

Today is Little Man's second birthday! We are going out to have some fun now. Write more later, I promise.

Havin' a sHELL of a Good Time!

Hello! I have not fallen off the face of the planet. I am in fact, on a long overdue vacation. I will be back and blogging no later than my next work shift--Tuesday. (Day shift) Hope you all are doing great.

Who's on First?

Sometimes you can't get good information from callers because their accent is so strong, you just can't understand them. Sometimes you can't get good information from callers because of a language barrier. Try as you might, it just ain't happening. Sometimes you can't understand the caller because their crappy cell phone keeps cutting out. Sometimes you can't get good information from callers because they are just plain stupid. And every now and then the four types of difficult callers meld together to create a really, really frustrating experience. Like the call I got today. Imagine if you will a female, with a very thick accent, (doesn't really matter which kind), a horrible cell connection and definitely English as a third, or possibly fourth language.

Me: 911 emergency

Caller: I at is room for laundry. Come now. Brother not treating me well.

Me: What is your location?

Caller: Yes.

Me: I see you are calling from a cell phone. I do not know your location.

Caller: Yes.

Me: Where are you?

Caller: I [cell static] here.

Me: Where is here? What is your location? What address are you at?

Caller: I am in the room of laundry.

Me: You are at a laundry mat?

Caller: NO! (As if I am the stupid/unintelligible one.)

Me: Ma'am, I don't know where to send my officer. What address are you at.

Caller: My cross street is Glade.

Me: But what is your address?

Caller: The cross street is Glade.

Me: Ma'am without an address, the cross street doesn't help me. What is your address?

Caller: It is 360. Now send the polices.

Me: 360, is the street number, what is the street address.

Caller: Glade

Me: Isn't Glade the cross street???

Caller: Yes. Send the polices now, for my brother.

Me: What. Street. Are. You. On? 360.........

Caller: Reston!

Me: Good! OK 360 Reston. That is the Glade apartments. What apartment are you in?

Caller: Yes.

Me: What is the number of the apartment you are in.

Caller: I am not in apartment! Room of laundry!

Me: Are you in the laundry room of the apartment complex at 360 Reston?

Caller: Yes!

Me: OK. Is your brother there now?

Caller: He---[static]

Me: Please say that again, your cell cut out.

Caller: I said, he is not here.

Me: OK, can you go back to your apartment, and wait for the police?

Caller: What apartment?

Me: Your apartment.

Caller: I don't have and apartment.

Me: ... I thought you were in the laundry room of the Glade Apartment complex.

Caller: Yes.

Me: But you don't have an apartment there?

Caller: No, I am staying at a hotel nearby.

Me: [At this point, I know she is safe, I know where she is, I just don't even care to know why on earth she is doing her laundry at some random apartment complex.] OK. What is your phone number?

Caller: 4.

Me: What is the phone number for the cell that you are calling me on.

Caller: 2.

Me: [What the H#$*????] OK. Ma'am just wait there in the laundry room and I will send an officer to come talk to you.

Caller: You send the polices now.

Me: Yes. Please stay put.

Caller: OK, I will go there.

Me: No, I mean just stay where you are.

The officer arrived onscene and cleared "advised" within about 1 1/2 minutes. Big surprise.

I Should Have Kept My Mouth Shut...

Last time I worked, I was bored. Soooooo incredibly bored. In two 12 hour day shifts, I got maybe one interesting call and a handful of 1186s (traffic stops.) Back me up, Ron, you were there. I was so bored, I was flagging down the records people and asking them if I could help them with paperwork. There were no cites to be entered, no entries to be made, no phones to answer, and records told me they didn't need any help. I always feel like such a slug when I open up a magazine or book on day shift. Especially when the chief of police, or my boss comes by. On my way out the door last week, I told an officer, that I'd be on his shift on Monday, and could he please be more entertaining. Boy, I should have kept my mouth shut. Within the first hour we had a pursuit that left the city, 911 calls off the hook and an in custody. My black cloud followed onto day shift and they had a felony hit and run occur at the same time as some bank robbers took the commuter train into our city. Tonight we had all the 911 lines ringing at once for a vehicle vs. motorcycle. And as my favorite SGT always says, "There is no such thing as a minor injury motorcycle accident." Shoot howdy we are having fun tonight. And the hits keep on coming. Talk more later!

It's Off to the Races.....

It is that time again in the 5150 household. Time for us to once again put all our money on the three legged horse named "Gimpy." We are officially trying to create a sister for Little Man. To make a loooooooong story short, it's not easy for us. Last time involved years of waiting, praying and surgery. My main thoughts are: When will it happen? How will it happen? I don't mean that kind of "how"! When I say "how" I mean, I know that for us adoption is a very real option. I have to have another child, so if we can't make one, we are fine with adopting. Because of that possibiltiy I often lurk around the various adoption blogs. A recurring theme on all of these sites, are Home Studies. That is where they come into your home to evaluate if you are able to care for an adopted child. Uh oh. Do you have to do one of those? I can only imagine what ours would be like. Let's all imagine, shall we, that you can follow along via virtual tour as I meet with our social worker:


"Hi, sorry I am late, I just got off my usual 12 hour shift. Welcome to our home, yeah it is pretty cute, I think the term for it would be a "fixer upper." You'd never know that though from the size of the mortgage, or shall I say mortgages, plural. Sorry about the crappy neighborhood. I am pretty sure they are selling drugs across the street, too. Come on in. Oh, whoops, don't trip over Riley. Why yes she is a Pitt bull. And here's Gabby. Gabby, down. Down Gabby. Gabby, get down. Stop jumping on the nice lady! Oh, sorry about your dress...So here is our living room. No, no, that's not carpet, that's hardwood floors with about 3 inches of dog hair on it--I haven't had a chance to vacuum in weeks. Hmm? Oh, no that isn't a dog in the corner it's just a really big hair ball! We only have four large dogs. Are you choking? Can I get you a glass of water? No? That's probably for the best, I don't have any clean glasses anyway. Also we were sent a letter recently from the city, asking us not to drink the water. Something about high levels of arsenic. Yes, it is pretty normal for me to have about 2 weeks worth of dirty dishes in the sink. No, no don't open the oven! Oops, you caught me, I hid some more of the dirty dishes in there. How embarrassing. Now, over here somewhere under all these magazines and bags is a really nice kitchen table. Oh no, that's not an unusual pattern on the linoleum floor, those are muddy dog prints! Here is the den/storage/future second child's room. No, we didn't just move in, we've been here two years, I just haven't got around to unpacking, yet. Sorry about the bills scattered all over the desk here. I am trying to pay off some really big loans. Our credit is pretty crappy but we're working on it, (nervous laughter). We may be poor, but what we lack in money, we make up for with our rich personalities! Ha, ha, ha, ahem. You'd like to know where my husband is? Oh he couldn't make it, he is at the hospital. He got in a fight with an armed suspect who pulled a gun on him and a fight ensued. He's getting stitches. The suspect, not my husband, silly! That husband of mine, always getting into these madcap adventures, gun fights and high speed pursuits! (Awkward silence). OK, um, moving right along, this is the bathroom. Oh, that? Yes the paint is peeling off the wall. I realize it's only one foot off the floor, and yes it is lead based, but don't worry I wouldn't let the kid lick the walls! Ha Ha Ha. Is it it warm in here, or is it just me. What am I thinking our Air Conditioner's broken, of course it's me! Who could forget the 100 degree summer were having! Um, yeah, so down here at the end of the hall is our room. Oh, that? That is the gun cabinet, we keep meaning to fix the lock on that. Oh my gosh, Xena! I'm sure this nice lady doesn't want that icky dead mouse! She's always bringing us 'presents'. Where are you going? What do you mean you have to leave? Ma'am come back! You forgot your purse...Sigh"

Yeah, I'm sure our prospects will be lining up around the block.